You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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the three branches of government
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Free him
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.