Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Great game to play with friends
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
japanese corn
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?