Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I have never related to a cat more
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.