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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?