hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them