About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Go hard or stay average
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
no one likes gloating
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar