I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.