Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My first son he is wonderful
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.