Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what