Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.