If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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Woke up against my better judgment again
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I like long walks away from everyone
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My dad.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
But I really needed water water water
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me checking my bank balance online.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
(2022)
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.