Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all