Tammy is short for Tamuel
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
thank god
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*