“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
a fate I wish upon no one
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
same vibe as tangled headphones
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.