Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine