(Electricians.)
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.