Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall