[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
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when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
The only equipped I am is ill.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact