I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
my first dose meeting my second
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.