Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.