Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.