Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
December birthdays be like…
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m literally crying
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]