Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.