“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.