[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.