… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird