*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants