I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I鈥檓 really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
If science is so great how come they haven鈥檛 invented a way to compliment someone鈥檚 smell without sounding like a serial killer
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
wanna know what鈥檚 worse than being cheated on? finding out he鈥檚 trying to cheat but nobody wants him 馃槶
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF鈥檚 friend: Which one is the boy you鈥檝e been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I鈥檓 going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn鈥檛 seem as if my hair is going with me, but I鈥檓 going.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Now that I鈥檓 in my mid-forties I think I鈥檒l take up parkour.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?