An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.