There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister