*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Me too, bag. Me too….
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
inside you are two wolves