Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”