*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.