[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin