Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit