There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
So glad we cleared that up
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”