Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.