What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”