I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
When you’re here for the treats.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
this is uni
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
☺️
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?