Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Worlds greatest photobomb
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol