The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.