When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.