judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym