If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.