“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I think I’m having a stroke
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.