Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses