maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand