friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.