How to properly lift a body
You Might Also Like
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Succinctly put.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
why no one uses midhusbands
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Accurate
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.