If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.